If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
