So drunk its hurt
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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