Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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