Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
