Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just pee around me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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