Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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