Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this is an emotional support booty call
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
