Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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