he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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