Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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