ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
