I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
