we're chasing vodka with high fives
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think your dad took our porno
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
