I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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