Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
