Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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