This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
