I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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