So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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