think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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