the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There are leaves in my underwear?
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