i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize