I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
