I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
