Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
