Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
