She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
