I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
