I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
