a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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