You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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