there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
