Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
