i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
