I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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