i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
