I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
