Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
