i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
