he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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