so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
