i was born a porn star she said
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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