i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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