in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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