we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
