just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
