I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
