there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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