Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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