Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
