I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Small penises have feelings too.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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