Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
