my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
