I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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